worst. loss. ever.

got this form KSK

Week 8 of the fantasy season and my team, StallworthSpeedBumps, is coming off of two straight wins to enter the black at 4-3 on the backs of Drew Brees, Marques Colston, DeSean Jackson, and Cedric Benson. This is important because I play in a league primarily composed of hardcore ex-football players, a $250 buy-in, merciless mocking (like making fun of my dead parents with a little orphan Annie avatar), and because I’m unemployed at the time and a $2000 league title would sure be nice. To be extra accurate, we use such rules a fractional points, negative points for missed PATs, etc.

Going into the Monday night game, New Orleans vs. Atlanta, my team is down 69.18-103.46, partially because Josh Scobee, a worthless piece of shit whose leg I hope breaks off at the hip and kicks in his own teeth on his next PAT attempt, earned me a total of -1 points. But I am not concerned, for I have Brees and Colston, and my opponent only has Mike Bell. I wanted to win this game so bad, I even passed up sex to stay up and watch it (Fuck California, MNF should start at 7:30 EST…).

Fast forward to late in the 4th, when New Orleans takes control of the ball up by 8 and needs only to run out the clock with a few meaningless plays; I’m down 1.96 points, and Drew Brees is just handing off to, of course, Mike Bell, just to increase my losing margin. Fuck you in the playbook, Sean Payton.

Then, suddenly, miraculously, Mike Bell loses the ball!!! I’ve won by 0.04 points!! It’s a Festivus miracle!! I’m leaping around my living room, laughing like a maniac while Atlanta tries to score a TD and 2-pt. conversion in the minute or so remaining. I leap on to my laptop, giddily writing another obnoxious contribution to the league message boards, knowing my opponent is on his knees weeping somewhere in Texas…

…so happy, in fact, that I barely notice Matt Ryan throw a desperation pick to Darren Sharper, who for once does not run it back for a score, and instead allows Drew Brees to retake the field for one final kneel-down, for minus one rushing yard.

StallworthSpeedBumps loses by 0.06 points. Much Fantasy Football bitching ensues.

holy. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.